Gunstar Mercenaries (Absolutely Everything)

"I see..." Said Argonz, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Very well, I'll even give them a freaking tour. One thing, though... Look, but don't touch."
He stood up, holding his wrist out in front of him.

"Excuse me while I prepare to warp back. Go ahead and get your crew."
The mercenary began imputting a code into what was apparently a keypad on his wrist.
"Three questions, though. How many people do I have to teleport? And two, has anyone here invented hammerspace yet? I assume not, but it never hurts to be sure. Thirdly, do you happen to have some cold water?"

"I meant in a glass...!" The mercenary coughed as CJ went through the door.
As soon as said door closed, he instantly spat out the evil red abomination posing as candy.

"Oh god, I tried to eat hot lava!" He hoarsely stated, pressing a single button on his keypad, skipping the password entirely
.
"Osprey, warm up the telepads, we're having guests. Myself, one human female, and four currently unknown life-forms. Activate when I send the word. And could you please have an ice-cold drink waiting for me, up there? No, nothing that freezes me on the inside. Okay, thanks."

Straightening up, The Felin marched right out of CJ's office.
He would be found out front a minute later, helmet back on his head, leaning against a wall, and tapping his foot impatiently.

Damn it, this is too slow for my taste. I'm taking off to find my next target as soon as they board. It'll save me some time and they'll get to see the Osprey in action, too. Kill two birds with one stone."

The mercenary tilted his head a few degrees to the left.
"I was kinda hoping you'd bring those two guys from your first post. I kind of liked them."

These... These are just freaky.

"And no, none of you four are to touch my armor, either. Don't even try."
He said, picking up on the two rodent-like beings' conversation.

Clearing his throat, he called up the Osprey.
"Begin teleport."

Blue particles began to float around the group, and with a sound of rushing wind, they disappeared.

*On the osprey...*

Argonz found himself standing in the cockpit of the Osprey once again, feeling a bit wobbly from basically being diced up into a few million pieces and put back together in the span of a few seconds.

"Urgh... Next destination! I don't care which, just pick one!"

"Location selected, beginning warp. Estimated travel time: five minutes." Said the female voice of the ship's computer.

"I hate to leave you five behind, but I've got something to grab real quick." The felin said quickly. "Don't. Touch. ANYTHING."

And the Felin walked out, a door sliding open and closed automatically.
Taking a good look around the bridge/cockpit/whatever-you-wanna-say, it would be obvious that it wasn't something you'd see every day, even when technology has advanced as far as it did."

For one, it was large enough for four fully grown humanoids to fit comfortably. Two, a hundred or so flashy buttons on a large control panel, apparently supposed to be manned by at least two people. Only one chair, though, any others that could've been there were gone. That one remaining chair floated, though, and could probably fly freely.

Most of these were common on ships (Except the floating chair), these days, but the design that you are unable to see was pleasing to look at, at least. Because I said so.

Also apparent was a big shiny red button that immediately caught the eye. It looked like it was just begging to be pressed.

The mercenary looked down at the (arguably cute) alien mouse, idly wondering if showing it his feline face would send it running.
Sighing, he went on with his business.

Argonz was now holding up a small datapad in front of his face, scrolling through it. He nodded once, and then stuck his hand into it. And no, he didn't punch a hole into it. His hand appeared to be in a portal of some kind built into the datapad.
This was hammerspace. Through the use of reality-warping technology, it was possible to access small pocket dimensions where one could store ANY amount of items, no matter the size or quantity. It was first used by large-eyed women to store large weapons where they would otherwise be an encumbrance, like incredibly large hammers, hence the name.

But disappointingly, all he pulled out of hammerspace basically looked like a futuristic hockey puck, with a few flashy lights on it.

"A communicator. Can't live without one."
Those were common in the current universe. Their main use was as a universal translator, enabling two completely different races to speak flawlessly as if they were both speaking plain english.
The intended use of these communicators, though, was to act as distress beacons for anyone stranded on an alien planet. Adding the translator only sweetened the deal. In fact, it was a necessity, almost every Citizen known to the Pangalactic Federation were issued one at some point early in their lives.

Oh, but enough of the history lesson.

The entire ship shook slightly as Argonz made his way back to the bridge, having gone into warp speed.

Personally, he was surprised nobody had pressed the big red "idiot button", yet.

"Solar energy. Cheap and efficient when used correctly." Said Argonz, jumping into the conversation.
"And for your information, she..." He pointed to the giggling mouse he assumed was female. "...did not do anything out of the ordinary. All she had to do was ask. Used to be normal armor, until I made it better with pure orichalcum. Now it's nigh-invulnerable to the point I could get run over by a tank while wearing it and feel fine. It's not restrictive, either. Needless to say, invaluable."

"And you..." He turned to the small cat, Purra. "Can go ahead and press that big red button. It's the least harmful one, so get it out of your system."

"Ah, my thanks. I thought that last one would've made me spew fire."
Of course, in order to be able to enjoy anything resembling food, Argonz had to take off his helmet. He did just that, a small hissing noise being heard as he did so.

Smiling, he let CJ's piece of candy fall into his hand, immediately popping it into his mouth, his smile widening as he discovered that she was indeed telling the truth.
"Oh, here, I meant to give this to you." He said, tossing the human the communicator and handing over the datapad he pulled it from.

"I give every member a communicator. Has a built in translator and also serves as a distress beacon. That's not even mentioning the, well, communication aspect. I also advertised a free gun. Take your pick from what's in the pad."

A loud click was heard as the big red button of doom was pressed. Immediately, an alarm began blaring.
"WARNING: A MORON IS AT THE CONTROLS! WARNING: A MORON IS AT THE CONTROLS!"

"By the way, that button is schmuck bait. Locks out the controls unless I give a voice command. That's why it's the least harmful. I could've had turrets pop out, but with the potential damage, it wouldn't be worth it." Said Argonz.

Argonz shrugged his shoulders. "It's your gun, I don't mind. Now just reach into the pad and pull out the gun. Easy as that."

"WARNING: A MORON-"
"Alright, I've had my laugh. Now quiet." Said the mercenary, still smiling like, well, a cat.

"You have reached your destination: Lithumere."

"Well, then. Time to see where my next recruit is... Osprey! Scan the surface of the nearby planets, especially that ominously dark planet."
"Scanning ominously- Match found. 99% percent probability. Target, AKA: "Tum", under assault from large, sugary creature."
"What?"
"I shit you not." Said the A.I.
"Let me see."

On-screen, a large photo of what looked like a giant marshmallow man showed up. The mercenary bust out laughing.
"Oh god, it really exists! BWAHAHAHA! Cha... Charge up the main cannon and close in to firing range! And take another photo, too! This is just priceless!"
"Energy cannon, charging."

"Neither. I think it's going to explode. Everything I try to break or kill seems to be made of explodium."

"Energy cannon charged, ready to-"
"I think you can put a little more power into that. I want to make a good impression."
"Diverting power from engines to weapons system. Weapons running at 110% efficiency."

Argonz grinned. "Perfect..."
"FIRE!" He shouted in an overly dramatic way.

A blueish tint enveloped the "windshield" of the Osprey for a brief second, before a large blue beam of some kind of energy shot out from under the ship, straight at the marshmallow man.
The beam went straight through the marshmallow, hit the ground, and promptly exploded at said marshmallow's feet, blowing it apart into a million tasty(?) pieces, and of course leaving behind a huge crater.

"See? I tell you, made of explodium." Said the mercenary.

"Heh, I knew I'd like you as soon as I read you had a talent for blowing things up. I think we're going to have a long and healthy partnership." Said the mercenary, grinning widely.

"Now. To beam up that little rock-looking thing."
Unlike before, Argonz actually had to actually do something. In this case, input the co-ordinates of the hopping rock.

"Aaaaaaaand get diced into a million pieces."
He said, pressing one last button.

The rock-thing, Tum, exploded into a million blue particles. Seconds later, he appeared in the telepad in the corner of the bridge, covered in what looked like blue glittery dust.
"And, we're out of here!"

A few more button presses, and the ship was back into warp speed to it's next destination.
"Lucky you that we happened to come along. Argonz Tristam, got your application." He said, focused on the main screen and inputting several commands in the control panel.

"AI can't do this herself." He explained. "Overcharging that blast took a bit too much power. I'll be driving manually until she recharges, which really amounts to the same as babysitting when the Osprey's in warp."