Step 1 - catch a pig (It must be wild, or else the meat won't be tender)
Step 2 - take it home (The pig will provide a great friend for kids for a few months)
Step 3 - Take it to a local slaughterhouse
Step 4 - Kill it humanely (electric volts will knock it out and then slicing it's throat open will be better)
Step 5 - Once the pig is checked and given the ok to eat, cut it into the appropriate cuts and slowly roast the belly over a bed of garlic and thyme.
Step 6 - Once the belly is cooked, reduce the juices into a gravy and cut the belly into cubes, then put them into the fridge.
Step 7 - Have Gordon Ramsey judge your food.
Step 8 - If he calls you a idiot, pillock or a twit, you've cooked it beautifully.
I'd rather live with broken bones than lay here all on my own like a lovesick fool.
If you need me, visit my about me section on my profile for my skype contact.