I'm so bad at talking about my problems and feelings, but I'm sick of this situation, so I'll try. I don't know where to start, so maybe I'll start with a little bit of my life story, because I think this is the source of my problems.
Most of my life I spent on getting my father’s appreciation. I always acted perfectly, had good grades and participated in number of different contests - singing, painting, running, Math. Everything. I won in many of them, but it never seemed to be enough for him. I had no idea what else could I do to make him say: “I’m proud of you.” or “You did great!”. Now it seems plain stupid, but it used to be really important for me. He will never change and we both know it. Even though he’s aware that he had hurt me he doesn’t want to change.
Yesterday I was at my cousin’s birthday party. He and his two elder brothers are playing american football in a team in our city. His whole family is really into this sport and it’s just so cool to watch them spending time together - going on matches, watching them together. Also, my uncle is really proud of them and he never denies it. They share the love for this sport and it binds them together. I’m jealous of that, because when I wanted to have something similar with my parents, they always had other ideas. Until recently, I spent a lot of time with my mother, but nowadays she refuses to go with me anywhere. When I was younger I asked my father to spend some time with me, like I don’t know solving puzzles or to put together a model plane, but his only answer was lack of time or said that he knows I’ll be shit at it and he will have to do all the work.
I have never viewed myself as a jealous person, but I am. I’m preying on my cousin’s family happiness like a vampire. At first I thought it’s just that I want to start having my own relationship with my family, since my parents aren’t in very good relations with them, but today I have no doubt it wasn’t the real reason and I feel kind of shit about it.
And there’s also my younger brother. I know he’s two and I’m fucking twenty (yes, I could actually be his mother, for God’s sake) so I should be above it all, but sometimes I can’t. Yes, I’m jealous that for my parents whole world revolves around him. I’m jealous that he gets praised for the smallest things he does. Every day is scheaduled so he will be happy, and no one gives a shit that maybe I want spend the day differenly or watch something else on telly. It’s not that I want him to be treated the way I was. I just want to be a little like he is. Sometimes. To be noticed. To not being ought to explain the same shit over and over, because they keep forgetting what I said half an hour ago.
Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I had friends. But I don’t. I had been bullied for half of my chilhhood and I started to hate people. Then I had some friendships but they all ended in really nasty ways so I started to hate them even more. I was too honest to my friends and we didn't exactly share similar interests. I want to have friends, but I don't have a slightest idea where to start looking for them. I tried to give a chance people from uni, but most of them are dumb like bricks and are very different from me. The rest of them have their own friends outside the uni and they don’t want to get close to anyone here. Where should I start looking for friends? How should I act when I meet someone I want to befriend? I really don't know, because I have always been shit at friendships and stuff and I'm so tired of being alone. Any advices on how to get friends and how to get in good terms with my parents? I really want to change from this antisocial person I became, but I just don't know how to do that.
Help me anyone?
Most of my life I spent on getting my father’s appreciation. I always acted perfectly, had good grades and participated in number of different contests - singing, painting, running, Math. Everything. I won in many of them, but it never seemed to be enough for him. I had no idea what else could I do to make him say: “I’m proud of you.” or “You did great!”. Now it seems plain stupid, but it used to be really important for me. He will never change and we both know it. Even though he’s aware that he had hurt me he doesn’t want to change.
Yesterday I was at my cousin’s birthday party. He and his two elder brothers are playing american football in a team in our city. His whole family is really into this sport and it’s just so cool to watch them spending time together - going on matches, watching them together. Also, my uncle is really proud of them and he never denies it. They share the love for this sport and it binds them together. I’m jealous of that, because when I wanted to have something similar with my parents, they always had other ideas. Until recently, I spent a lot of time with my mother, but nowadays she refuses to go with me anywhere. When I was younger I asked my father to spend some time with me, like I don’t know solving puzzles or to put together a model plane, but his only answer was lack of time or said that he knows I’ll be shit at it and he will have to do all the work.
I have never viewed myself as a jealous person, but I am. I’m preying on my cousin’s family happiness like a vampire. At first I thought it’s just that I want to start having my own relationship with my family, since my parents aren’t in very good relations with them, but today I have no doubt it wasn’t the real reason and I feel kind of shit about it.
And there’s also my younger brother. I know he’s two and I’m fucking twenty (yes, I could actually be his mother, for God’s sake) so I should be above it all, but sometimes I can’t. Yes, I’m jealous that for my parents whole world revolves around him. I’m jealous that he gets praised for the smallest things he does. Every day is scheaduled so he will be happy, and no one gives a shit that maybe I want spend the day differenly or watch something else on telly. It’s not that I want him to be treated the way I was. I just want to be a little like he is. Sometimes. To be noticed. To not being ought to explain the same shit over and over, because they keep forgetting what I said half an hour ago.
Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I had friends. But I don’t. I had been bullied for half of my chilhhood and I started to hate people. Then I had some friendships but they all ended in really nasty ways so I started to hate them even more. I was too honest to my friends and we didn't exactly share similar interests. I want to have friends, but I don't have a slightest idea where to start looking for them. I tried to give a chance people from uni, but most of them are dumb like bricks and are very different from me. The rest of them have their own friends outside the uni and they don’t want to get close to anyone here. Where should I start looking for friends? How should I act when I meet someone I want to befriend? I really don't know, because I have always been shit at friendships and stuff and I'm so tired of being alone. Any advices on how to get friends and how to get in good terms with my parents? I really want to change from this antisocial person I became, but I just don't know how to do that.
Help me anyone?