Family & friendship problems

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    • Family & friendship problems

      I'm so bad at talking about my problems and feelings, but I'm sick of this situation, so I'll try. I don't know where to start, so maybe I'll start with a little bit of my life story, because I think this is the source of my problems.

      Most of my life I spent on getting my father’s appreciation. I always acted perfectly, had good grades and participated in number of different contests - singing, painting, running, Math. Everything. I won in many of them, but it never seemed to be enough for him. I had no idea what else could I do to make him say: “I’m proud of you.” or “You did great!”. Now it seems plain stupid, but it used to be really important for me. He will never change and we both know it. Even though he’s aware that he had hurt me he doesn’t want to change.

      Yesterday I was at my cousin’s birthday party. He and his two elder brothers are playing american football in a team in our city. His whole family is really into this sport and it’s just so cool to watch them spending time together - going on matches, watching them together. Also, my uncle is really proud of them and he never denies it. They share the love for this sport and it binds them together. I’m jealous of that, because when I wanted to have something similar with my parents, they always had other ideas. Until recently, I spent a lot of time with my mother, but nowadays she refuses to go with me anywhere. When I was younger I asked my father to spend some time with me, like I don’t know solving puzzles or to put together a model plane, but his only answer was lack of time or said that he knows I’ll be shit at it and he will have to do all the work.

      I have never viewed myself as a jealous person, but I am. I’m preying on my cousin’s family happiness like a vampire. At first I thought it’s just that I want to start having my own relationship with my family, since my parents aren’t in very good relations with them, but today I have no doubt it wasn’t the real reason and I feel kind of shit about it.

      And there’s also my younger brother. I know he’s two and I’m fucking twenty (yes, I could actually be his mother, for God’s sake) so I should be above it all, but sometimes I can’t. Yes, I’m jealous that for my parents whole world revolves around him. I’m jealous that he gets praised for the smallest things he does. Every day is scheaduled so he will be happy, and no one gives a shit that maybe I want spend the day differenly or watch something else on telly. It’s not that I want him to be treated the way I was. I just want to be a little like he is. Sometimes. To be noticed. To not being ought to explain the same shit over and over, because they keep forgetting what I said half an hour ago.

      Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I had friends. But I don’t. I had been bullied for half of my chilhhood and I started to hate people. Then I had some friendships but they all ended in really nasty ways so I started to hate them even more. I was too honest to my friends and we didn't exactly share similar interests. I want to have friends, but I don't have a slightest idea where to start looking for them. I tried to give a chance people from uni, but most of them are dumb like bricks and are very different from me. The rest of them have their own friends outside the uni and they don’t want to get close to anyone here. Where should I start looking for friends? How should I act when I meet someone I want to befriend? I really don't know, because I have always been shit at friendships and stuff and I'm so tired of being alone. Any advices on how to get friends and how to get in good terms with my parents? I really want to change from this antisocial person I became, but I just don't know how to do that.

      Help me anyone?

    • Hi there :)
      Well, since it would be too long and probably boring for me to tell you about my situation, I'll just cut the crap.
      I'm 20 years old as well, I was really anti-social until maybe 3 years or so, and as for parents...well I don't have a problem of them not giving shit, but I have a problem of them giving too much shit.
      As for the social problems, on-line contacts aren't really a good way to hang out with people and gain trust but I can tell you it's a hell of a good way to say what you mean for a change and maybe tell what bothers you without them gossiping because they have no idea who you actually are :)...in real life you just have to cope with a 1000 idiots to find one person that is worth of being friends with. It sucks, but it's the only way and you just get used to it I guess...
      Your parents? Well, it is harder, Maybe instead of trying and making them happy, do something you like. And I don't think situation could get any worse, so you might just be honest and tell them what you feel. Honestly, no matter how much you love them and everything you as well deserve some respect. If they don't respect that, then it's them that sucks. It sound cruel, but it's life. You can't spend your whole life trying to make them happy and only get misery back.
      And I have to be honest, I have no idea who you are, but I already respect you :)
      Hope it all gets better for you, I honestly do.
      On the outside I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic piece of shit, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.



      If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

    • Oh my god, I've been through something so similar to you!

      Basically, I won't bore you with too much details,
      But my father just never really gave a shit about me or my sister. He only really
      used us to get back at our mum for leaving him.
      Nothing we ever did was good enough, he only ridiculed us and never once praised us for anything.
      My Step-mum was the same and eventually they had a little boy.

      Now I loved my little brother dearly, but he was the favourite while we were just the
      un wanted step-children. I mean my dad never cared about him either, but he would barely feed us
      but give my little brother lots of sweets and food.

      My sister and I wore old clothes while he was getting new toys every other week so I was jealous.

      The jealousy did fade though because I love my little brother, I was never mad at him but for those parents for being so horrible to us
      but giving him everything. I just started to focus on other goals, like trying to move in with my mum or playing video games.
      I was so unhappy but I started to build plans for when I would leave.

      It's really hard, but you need to accept that you will never get approval from your father. Just accept it and move on
      (wayyyy easier said than done). That way if he ever does compliment you, you will be surprised!
      By the way, have you ever asked him why he never says well done?
      He may not have ever realised.

      Also, you must be careful that you don't end up in a relationship with a guy who you keep wanting to get approval from. Sometimes we can't help it, because of psychological patterns and trying to subconsciously "fix" the problem. In my case, I used to basically fall in love with any man to ever call me "pretty" because my father never did.
      (Well, fall in love is a bit of a strong term, but you get the idea! haha)

      As for friends, give people a chance. They may not be as stupid as you think.
      Sit with people, chat with them. Maybe join a club at uni and get involved.
      Try not to judge others too harshly and just try to relax.

      It will be okay and it will get better!

      Jealousy is completely normal.

      Also, have you thought of maybe spending more time with your cousin's family on your own :)?
      Watch Me Play Music and Stuff: youtube.com/user/KattStrike
      <3<3<3

    • By the way, have you ever asked him why he never says well done?
      He may not have ever realised.


      Yes, we did talk about it many times. He's aware of how I feel about it, but nothing ever changed.

      As for friends, give people a chance. They may not be as stupid as you think.
      Sit with people, chat with them. Maybe join a club at uni and get involved.
      Try not to judge others too harshly and just try to relax.


      I tried that, too. I forced myself to go on stupid parties, watched them getting drunk and high and didn't enjoy it one bit. When I propose some more cameral meeting, with a little less alcohol, they only laugh saying there's no party without getting drunk.

      Also, have you thought of maybe spending more time with your cousin's family on your own :)?


      Yes, I've been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes I meet with other family, too, but I still feel like a parasite to them. I feel good in their company, but I don't know if I'm intruding too much. Maybe they want to spend some time alone and won't tell me, because they are somewhat aware of my situation.

    • From how I read it you are asking for help to branch out socially and to become happier. Based on how I have experienced this kind of thing, I must say that it really starts with yourself. Instead of searching for others' approval, find approval within you. You have to begin to love who you are and be proud of what you have accomplished: the winning at contests, the overcoming bullying, and just being a better person. The little things are what count.
      Once you gain that, you eventually will have the confidence to step up and make friends that will last a lifetime. Maybe your interests in things will change and expand, allowing for a broader scope of people to come into your life. This isn't about going to parties or trying to fit in, this is you becoming who YOU want to be and making your own group; then you won't feel like such a parasite within your own family. To be honest, this all seems to be stemming from logic created by some insecurities. Once you come to terms with yourself, you can then achieve what you are aiming for.